the world echos this somber tone sometimes and it tends to wear me down after a while. we’re stuck in this Darwinian cycle and everyday we bury ourselves, drop roses into our coffins, sing to our gods and move on. I’m trying really hard to stop myself from becoming cynical because lately even light chatter with my neighbor is a drag. I asked him how he was doing today & he said “well, the property taxes are going up, food is expensive & my dog just passed away”. ugh, that’s really good news, man. let me just find you some rope because GOOD LORD that is some depressing fucking small talk.
I can’t help but notice that we’re all so miserable half the time.. digging into every detail of our lives, deeply unsatisfied with ourselves, our families, our dead (or dying) dreams. I think that a lot of the problem lies in not looking close enough and at the same time not looking far out enough. Do you know what I mean? I see it, man. so I’m trying to find gratitude in simplicity and complexity all the same. sometimes I sit outside in the sun and close my eyes until I’m dewy. I try to breathe in deeply because breath itself is really a gift. other times I focus on the way my partner says “I love you” and it plays like a song in my head. I am so grateful for his voice and the depth of his soul that I often ache for it, in a way. and then I have these words.. my little legacies, who and what would I be without them? I repeat these things to myself like mantras almost daily now. affirmations or whatever you want to call them.
honestly (and bear with me here) I think it boils down to my neighbors poor dead dog. we’re all going there. All of us, regardless of what happens over the course of the time we’re alotted. yeah the closer I get the more I think it might be best not to linger on what we can’t change and do better with the things we can change, I guess.