if I’m being honest

I haven’t felt pain in nearly a decade

it is still January 31, 2010

and I’m sitting on Louis’s bed

the sun is blaring into his room

lighting up my fingertips

I am staring at a text message

I am trying to swallow it

trying to gulp down the words

I read it in your voice

but it can’t be your voice

the message says

that you are gone

and that she is sorry-

so sorry, that

I couldn’t bring myself

to your hospice room again

she leaves out the death in your eyes

you deserved better than death in your eyes

hazel, they were hazel

I always wished for pretty eyes like yours

but you said I had better ones

ones like the darkest part of the ocean

I hadn’t seen it but I believed you

I thought of you sailing to the end of the world

to prove your point

as you would’ve

I thought of the life you would never know I had

I cried so much and so deep

that my tears became acid

and that acid burned

the nerve endings

and god, I’m almost certain

I could feel my soul tearing

and leaving this earth with you

I’m almost certain

the only thing that will not die

is my grief.

– sheila c.

For Grandpa, until we meet again

I unhinged the cabinets

and left the doors

by the steps

i thought we could use them

to close up the holes

in the family room

my grief is hardened

and it’s “fuck all anyway”,

you said.

I can save the china

and take it with me

I guess

– sheila c.