there’s a recklessness to everyone
but your chaos reigns
even me, in
i find myself contented
unsticking from the traps
smiling, tearing skin as I go
it feels good to feel something
it feels right to feel suffering
to be folded up and stuffed into
an envelope
flattened
whole
from nothing to something
another one,
another
slow.
sheila c.
the cardinal came by today
little flash of red pulsing life
i am jealous of his vigor
his will..
long ago I told a myself a lie
and I told it so often
i began to believe it
it exists now in the space between dreams
and stillness
a silent hum I can’t escape
respite exists only in the seconds
the second I open my eyes
the second I smell the citrus in my panicked tea
the second I type the words I need said
the second I imagine taking a last breath
and being born again
a red breast and beak and vigor
there is no respite like the seconds
but there is no punishment like them either
– sheila c.
I wanted to complain to you about Werner Herzog,
you’re the only one who would understand
but I’ll settle for picking up my phone
and pretending I’m not hoping
the algorithm will work to populate your name on my screen
I actually really hate your name
I also “loved” a dude in Germany by the same name
he’s also a heartbreaking cunt
I’m sorry, that’s actually just the hurt
lashing out
It’s been days and the change of heart that’s been keeping me sane
has not happened.
I’m starting to believe I invented this tragedy
like I do, all my tragedies
fuck it, I’m floundering, right now
BUT
In 3 weeks, I’ll move faster
I’ll have new limbs
and they’ll be so fucking dope
you won’t be able to look away
I mean that sounds pathetic but it’s not
I just want you to know that
i’m not pathetic
– sheila c.
I can hear the city bellowing outside
and Wednesday is groaning out
a lingering goodbye
I am watching your breath rise,
grateful for the air in your lungs
they sing the sun to me
they sing
and there is no longing here
not now, in this calm
there is only the bliss
etched on your skin;
permeating my own
and the sinking feeling disappearing somewhere within
I pour my hopes into a
thought
I let it sit
and learn time does stop
after all
– sheila c.
i don’t have the words
i only have a blue so wide
and alive
that it breathes on its own
this is the part i don’t like
where Bonnie sits on repeat
where day dreams are nightmares
and memories are knives
digging deeper every time i forget
to forget
I can feel the depths of estrangement pooling
in my guts
it seems
i would be the mass
and you would be the gravity
after all.
– sheila c
I dreamt that the gods picked me out of bed
and shook me violently
they had grown tired of my struggle
and breathed bravery into my lungs
i was not born ready for this
but something has changed
it was desire that made me weak
so I will take those parts you claimed
and build a new fire
a new flame to consume the old
and burn the blame
– Sheila C.
in another life,
many lives from now,
i will move you.
i will shatter the earth
beneath your feet
and you will fall so deeply
the steam will sear your lashes.
you will hope, in dismay,
for a glance
in a crowded room.
the smell of my skin
will stay trapped in your hair,
in your hands
and you will not be able to look away.
I will flood you
until you are choking with grief.
you will hurt for me,
one day,
I know.
but in this life,
it seems it is
my turn.
– sheila c.
i lived there with you
in the space between glances.
i shared the sweetness of hollow earth
and ate the green that grew
from our hearth.
there was dew on everything
from here to tops of mango trees
mangled in brackish water.
the air was so thick you could
break it open with your hands
and walk through.
I swung my arms around wildly,
as I do,
trying to meet your eyes
but you,
you moved in silence
a gentle shift of cream and blue
with every step.
at night your head would fall into my chest
and your breath would become mine
this was the climax of our story
a memory,
I will need to bury.
– Sheila C.
the sour falls slowly
dredging the past
as they pass
like an alchemist
making something out of everything
this feeling never let go of me
because I never let go of it
and I try to stand on parquet floors
swaying my hips and lifting the space
inside me
digging my toenails into the wood
finding a place for sutures to drip
I know this face
is levied against tides
that live to swallow
but my gulps
resist as hollow
no,
there is nothing left to take
– sheila c.
is that what it looks like?
underneath the shade
swaying palms fronds in your eyelids
while the melancholy lingers in silence
i can leave the heartache behind
i can grow new limbs
and teach you where to break them
so i can’t run beside you
you can have this present
and I will take the future
you can have these memories
and I will mute yours
rolling pink silk like the sunset
you wandered into something
and it’s my fault
after all
I left a crack wide open
you barely had to pull back flesh
to find the pulsating mass
that made breaths into gasps
and lust into longing
– sheila cordova
sheila sea 