cardinal

the cardinal came by today

little flash of red pulsing life

i am jealous of his vigor

his will..

long ago I told a myself a lie

and I told it so often

i began to believe it

it exists now in the space between dreams

and stillness

a silent hum I can’t escape

respite exists only in the seconds

the second I open my eyes

the second I smell the citrus in my panicked tea

the second I type the words I need said

the second I imagine taking a last breath

and being born again

a red breast and beak and vigor

there is no respite like the seconds

but there is no punishment like them either

– sheila c.

all flowers are dying flowers

I wanted to complain to you about Werner Herzog,

you’re the only one who would understand

but I’ll settle for picking up my phone

and pretending I’m not hoping

the algorithm will work to populate your name on my screen

I actually really hate your name

I also “loved” a dude in Germany by the same name

he’s also a heartbreaking cunt

I’m sorry, that’s actually just the hurt

lashing out

It’s been days and the change of heart that’s been keeping me sane

has not happened.

I’m starting to believe I invented this tragedy

like I do, all my tragedies

fuck it, I’m floundering, right now

BUT

In 3 weeks, I’ll move faster

I’ll have new limbs

and they’ll be so fucking dope

you won’t be able to look away

I mean that sounds pathetic but it’s not

I just want you to know that

i’m not pathetic

– sheila c.

wednesday songs

I can hear the city bellowing outside

and Wednesday is groaning out

a lingering goodbye

I am watching your breath rise,

grateful for the air in your lungs

they sing the sun to me

they sing

and there is no longing here

not now, in this calm

there is only the bliss

etched on your skin;

permeating my own

and the sinking feeling disappearing somewhere within

I pour my hopes into a

thought

I let it sit

and learn time does stop

after all

– sheila c.

untitled 08.01.19

i don’t have the words

i only have a blue so wide

and alive

that it breathes on its own

this is the part i don’t like

where Bonnie sits on repeat

where day dreams are nightmares

and memories are knives

digging deeper every time i forget

to forget

I can feel the depths of estrangement pooling

in my guts

it seems

i would be the mass

and you would be the gravity

after all.

– sheila c

flame

I dreamt that the gods picked me out of bed

and shook me violently

they had grown tired of my struggle

and breathed bravery into my lungs

i was not born ready for this

but something has changed

it was desire that made me weak

so I will take those parts you claimed

and build a new fire

a new flame to consume the old

and burn the blame

– Sheila C.

 

 

in another life

in another life,

many lives from now,

i will move you.

i will shatter the earth

beneath your feet

and you will fall so deeply

the steam will sear your lashes.

you will hope, in dismay,

for a glance

in a crowded room.

the smell of my skin

will stay trapped in your hair,

in your hands

and you will not be able to look away.

I will flood you

until you are choking with grief.

you will hurt for me,

one day,

I know.

but in this life,

it seems it is

my turn.

– sheila c.

the cancer before the cancer

i lived there with you

in the space between glances.

i shared the sweetness of hollow earth

and ate the green that grew

from our hearth.

 

there was dew on everything

from here to tops of mango trees

mangled in brackish water.

the air was so thick you could

break it open with your hands

and walk through.

 

I swung my arms around wildly,

as I do,

trying to meet your eyes

but you,

you moved in silence

a gentle shift of cream and blue

with every step.

 

at night your head would fall into my chest

and your breath would become mine

this was the climax of our story

a memory,

I will need to bury.

 

– Sheila C.

Miami 5.3.19

the sour falls slowly

dredging the past

as they pass

like an alchemist

making something out of everything

this feeling never let go of me

because I never let go of it

and I try to stand on parquet floors

swaying my hips and lifting the space

inside me

digging my toenails into the wood

finding a place for sutures to drip

I know this face

is levied against tides

that live to swallow

but my gulps

resist as hollow

no,

there is nothing left to take

– sheila c.

pink silk

is that what it looks like?

underneath the shade

swaying palms fronds in your eyelids

while the melancholy lingers in silence

i can leave the heartache behind

i can grow new limbs

and teach you where to break them

so i can’t run beside you

you can have this present

and I will take the future

you can have these memories

and I will mute yours

rolling pink silk like the sunset

you wandered into something

and it’s my fault

after all

I left a crack wide open

you barely had to pull back flesh

to find the pulsating mass

that made breaths into gasps

and lust into longing

– sheila cordova

sunflower

i am longing for the warmth

of your light

yellow and gathered and black in the center

i veer closer every morning

arching closer to your beams

i am longing for the sting

of your heat

i know the odds are slim

that you have noticed

me

in this sea of golden creams

softly grounded

while you soar above me

pulsating at the edges

at the very brim

i am cast into your seasons

like the summer

and the spring

winter born and thick

i drink you in

can you feel me

from here in the earth

where i have been?

– sheila c.